By Austin T. Murphy
It's been far too long since the last post, but this one should more than make up for it in quality and style. The two musical themes are "Odds Are" by the Barenaked Ladies and "Hero" by Family of the Year.
The first, most important part of fixing a problem is recognizing that there is a problem. I have recognized mine, and I'm taking steps to stay focused and on the right track. There's still a long ways to go yet, but I'm trying.
The good news is that I just had an incredible experience in some of the most incredible places in the world with some of the most incredible people I've ever known. And I emphasize 'incredible' because a month ago there was doubt as to whether I was capable of making it there and back.
In the words of Bilbo Baggins, "It's a dangerous business...going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."
I kept my feet, and I made it through mostly unscathed. My wallet is certainly lighter but my heart is fuller and stronger.
It's also a dangerous business allowing yourself to trust others. I consider myself to be the strongest person I know, which is why at times I allow myself to be swayed by inadequacies and fuck-ups. This isn't a fair or realistic way to live life, so I'm adding this to the list of ways to improve myself.
My friend Alex inspired me on this trip with a profound epiphany: we shouldn't define people. Everything in the world is mutable and constantly changing, so a label you give to someone could be outdated within a minute, a day, or ten years. It's not fair to others to judge them by their actions when you have no way of knowing their intentions.
And even intentions can be deceiving, because no one is perfect 24/7. We all make mistakes at times.
In this way I'm realizing my mistake by pigeonholing those who have wronged me in the past. I don't know their intentions, and perhaps they were just looking out for their own best interests at times.
We shouldn't judge/label people, and we shouldn't try to control them for our own selfish reasons.
Rather, we should be happy for others that find love and happiness in their own way. Everything is mutable and changes will come when needed; therefore, we should be grateful for the times and experiences we are given.
Some would say that actions are a response to external stimuli, which would lead me to believe we live in a constant state of choosing between two alternatives. Fight or flight, love and indifference, and fear and happiness are several dichotomous instances.
And while some would say that man's greatest fear is the unknown, I would like to challenge that notion. I believe it was Albus Dumbledore who said we should pity the living, and more than that we should pity those who live without love.
My greatest fear is not that I am inadequate, my greatest fear is the terrifying thought of living without love.
Which is why it is paramount to allow yourself to forgive those who wrong you, because only then can you let go of the fear of living without love. As long as you love -- and forgive -- there will always be love waiting for you, regardless of whether you expect it or not.
It's important, also, to recognize that you are probably the most important to forgive. You're a different person than you were two seconds, two months, or two decades ago. And the self that made decisions to help or hinder your eventual growth is long gone.
It does not help to dwell on past failures or mistakes and forget to live for the present and future.
I'm proud of the person that I have been and the person that I have become. Where there once was a boy now stands a man. I have made choices, stuck with them, and I am proud of the way I arrived at those choices and conquered the fear of failure.
I choose to forgive myself, and I choose to forgive you.
And to circle back to the musical themes, I don't want to be a "hero." I don't need to be one when I trust and love everyone around me.
I want to be my own person, because only then can others trust me to be there when they need me.
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