A Very Belated Christmas Miracle and God Bless America

Why Snow Miser Is Objectively Better Than Heat Miser

By Jason Brown

      When I first sat down to write this article, I didn’t really know how to start. But, here at UCSB, the first week back is called “syllabus week” (because we’re a glorious mix of clever and lazy, and because “syllabus” sounds much less intimidating than “Go drop $200+ on your textbooks”), and during our smaller, primarily-discussion-based classes, necessary (read: painful) introductions are made. Topics of decidedly-forced pseudo-conversation include name, major, city of birth, and (if the professor or teaching assistant is feeling especially adventurous) something interesting about one’s self. As it turns out, I’m Jewish, and unapologetically obsessed with Christmas (apparently not as much as some people,though). Movies, music, lights, trees: I love all of it. Unfortunately, it’s been almost a month since the most wonderful time of the year; fortunately (for you all), I have no self-control, and relapsed a few days ago. Specifically, I watched The Year Without a Santa Claus, which, upon a critical rewatch, might be one of the greatest children’s movies of all time. The thing that struck me most, however, was the discrepancy between two of the film’s most famous characters: The Miser Brothers. 

Some of you may already see where this is going.

      The Miser Brothers are the offspring of the omnipotent Mother Nature, and, as such, each of them controls a portion of the weather (if you haven’t figured out who holds domain over what by this point, there simply isn’t much I can do for you). They gained fame after their respective song and dance spots during the 1974 TV movie. The song is a rare mix of quality and catchiness that infallibly results in involuntary movement that at least somewhat resembles dance on my part any time I hear the Misers’ minions describing their masters. What I had never noticed as a child, however, is—though their songs are wildly similar (Heat Miser’s is but a slowed version of Snow Miser’s with tailored lyrics)—the brothers themselves could not be more different. 

      From the outset of the movie, the audience is warned about Heat Miser. After Mrs. Claus sends Jingle and Jangle (two of Santa’s elves) out on a mission to save Christmas, her beloved husband, upon reminding her of the fact that the path chosen for the pair by Mrs. C lands them right between the two brothers, remarks, “If Snow Miser doesn’t freeze ‘em just for the fun of it, his devil of a brother will put the heat on ‘em for sure.” Now, keeping in mind that this is, at its core, a family Christmas movie, one might be inclined to dismiss Santa Claus’s worries as overblown, and his labelling of Heat Miser as a devil as innocent hyperbole; the reality of this movie is surprisingly darker. Upon Jingle and Jangle’s first encounter with Heat Miser, Heat Miser bemoans the fact that they are elves, and attempts to kill them. 

No, seriously. Those are literally angry murder rays.

When Vixen, the baby reindeer that gets fried and drops the duo, consequently pulls off the greatest flying maneuver the North Pole has ever seen, 

Heat Miser laments that “they got away.” In other words, he is visibly upset because the three most lovable characters of the movie thus far managed to survive his attempted murder.

      After, a beautiful scene about the inexorably linked natures of faith and love is juxtaposed with a scene in which the characters take advantage of the reigning government’s smug confidence in the fact that an event that has not occurred for an extended period of time will not occur, a la Charlie Geller and Jamie Shipley (if you have not yet seen The Big Short, do yourself a favor and buy a ticket. Not now, of course. Right now you’re too busy reading this. This is important). After shorting the weather, Jingle, Jangle, and the phenomenally-named Ignacious Thistlewood set about ensuring the favorable outcome of their wager. To this end, they—now under the calculated command of Mrs. Claus—elect to visit Snow Miser. In response to receiving this information, Jingle and Jangle have no palpable reaction.

      Upon their arrival, Jingle, Jangle, Mrs. Claus, and Iggy are treated to the aforementioned song and dance. During this dance, it is established that anything touched by Snow Miser will turn into snow.

Throughout the duration of his song, Snow Miser touches several hats, including Jangle’s, all of which he immediately returns. Whenever he himself is not singing (the melody is carried by his minions at certain points), he is laughing gleefully; Snow Miser is, by all accounts, having the time of his life. The first thing he does after finishing his routine is to ask Mrs. Claus about her “hubby.” When Iggy takes admirable, though perhaps misplaced offense to Snow Miser’s playful jab at Santa Claus, claiming he is the nicest person in the world, Snow Miser responds, in a gentle tone: “Well of course he is, sonny; I love him a lot . . . Well of course I do!” He then proceeds to ask Mrs. Claus what she needs, and, after she tells him she needs snow in a town, he immediately sets about doing it without so much as a response. It is only until he realizes the town resides in the domain of his brother that he hesitates, informing the gang that previous attempts at “a little refreshing snow” in that area have consistently resulted in rain. Mrs. Claus resolves to speak with Heat Miser, but not before Snow Miser politely invites both her and Santa Claus back. When Jingle confirms with Mrs. Claus to whom they are about to pay a visit, he remarks fearfully “I was afraid you’d say that.” Heat Miser is hated by the inspiration for this guy, and, as it turns out, for utilizing essentially the same song, Heat Miser’s performance is the polar opposite of his brother’s. Heat Miser is scowling throughout the entire song, touch-melting at least three things (including a very complex piece of weather equipment) and not restoring a single one of them.

Fuck this spot in particular.

That satellite-looking thing is one of the heat rays that was used on Vixen, Jingle, and Jangle, and it is likely a piece of machinery that required hours of work; Heat Miser obliterates it without a second thought in front of the people who worked tirelessly on it. Look at that employee’s face. That is the face of a man who is watching his boss destroy his work, and can do absolutely nothing about it. After systematically demoralizing his workforce, Heat Miser elects to vehemently insult Santa Claus and everything for which he stands; this is all before Mrs. Claus has said a word. As it turns out, Heat Miser blames his brother, Santa Claus and pretty much everyone else for his perceived slights. To wit, when Mrs. Claus asks if he might allow one day of snow in a town that hasn’t had it in 100 years, his gut reaction is a resounding “NEVER!” His ensuing response to this overwhelmingly reasonable request is that he receive control over The North Pole. To this point in the movie, two key things have been established: first, that Heat Miser, if given the opportunity, would have every day at 100°, and second, that reindeer cannot survive in warm weather. During Jingle and Jangle’s trip to Southtown, Vixen gets disturbingly sick, and needs to be rescued by Santa Claus. Turning over control of the North Pole to someone with an agenda against Santa Claus is tantamount to the calculated extermination of a species. When Mrs. Claus proposes the idea to Snow Miser, he reacts (predictably) poorly, shocked that his brother would even make such a request. When Heat Miser attempts to flip the blame for the unresolved nature of Mrs. Claus’s journey on his brother’s uncooperativeness, Snow Miser responds indignantly: “Cooperate?! Surrender the North Pole you call cooperate???” Mrs. Claus eventually decides to go over the heads of the Miser Brothers, “right to the top,” and all is well when the unpredictable Mother Nature sets her boys straight. 

      Snow Miser is clearly the better human being in this scenario, and it’s not even close. In spite of this fact, the two of them are portrayed as equals. Heat Miser is an angry, yellow-haired whirlwind of unpredictability without a filter, yet, because of his power and unapologetic nature, he has an all-but blind following.

At least Heat Miser doesn’t want to repeatedly fuck his daughter.

Snow Miser, on the other hand, is cool, calm, collected, and incredibly polite. His sense of humor is admittedly a bit twisted, but he constantly reassures his audience that his punny jokes are just that: innocent and harmless, if not slightly warped. From what the audience can tell, he is an animal lover, and uses his power for practical jokes that are immediately rectified, not violence. His outlook on life is one of benevolence and responsible carelessness. He does not blame the actions of others on a less powerful group of individuals, as does his brother, and it is no wonder that he is by far the happier of the pair. Heat Miser complains that their mother prefers his brother (though there is no evidence to support this claim; she is unequivocally fair in her dealings with them) and cites it as a source of his pain, instead of looking inward, and reflecting on why people in general might favor his brother. Heat Miser has stubbornly shut out the world in spite of the fact that everything has essentially been given to him from his birth (yes, the parallels are starting to concern me as well), and derives his only pleasure through the suffering of others.

You’re fired!

Be like Snow Miser, everyone. Love, laugh, believe in miracles, have sublime experiences, take pleasure in the little things, and please, for the love of God/Science/Undetermined/Your personal belief system here, don’t vote for Donald Trump.

© Jason Brown 2016