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| Photo Credit: Aaron Phillips |
Over two years ago I wrote the following words:
"For me, it's a reminder that it's okay to let go of some people and grudges, and it's okay to let new people into your life--people you can trust. And the memory can be brought forth just by looking into someone's eyes, wherein you'll find an implicit understanding of goodwill, benevolence, and love."
If you'll offer me the moment and forgive me for the vanity, I truly believe the ideas and words I wrote on that day, in a different city no less (and with the most important people in my life living less than fifteen minutes away), are some of the best I've ever logged.
We've come quite a ways in these past two years. Some of those people have circled the globe while I remained a sentry at post safeguarding the state of California -- though even the strongest could not save Santa Barbara from its fate. It's very possible that the fires, mudslides, and floods are a result of the Messiah returning to the Valley, and woe betide any who deny his coming.
My watch will come to an end soon, though, as the road calls for me to see that which I so earnestly desire. And I'd like to believe that I deserve it; I'd like to believe that I've earned it.
I have my good days and bad. This shouldn't come as a surprise. A moment is coming, though, and I don't know how I'll react. I want it, so so badly. I want that phone call to free me from a temporal purgatory, to give air to my sails and sustenance to my imagination. We weren't made to stay in one place forever.
Still I feel, though, as if I need to earn it.
So I'll work each and every day, and I'll allow myself the liberating break from time to time. And I hope that when the time comes I can graciously accept an offer. It has become especially crucial because the have's chose recently that I have to go -- I cannot stay. It was my intention all along but now that it is out of my hands I can't help but feel a sense of apprehension alongside this uncertainty.
It's possible that this instability, lack of control on my behalf, could actually permit me to take flight. I'm reminded of a line from "Lose Yourself":
"Success is my only motherf***** option; failure's not." -- Marshall Mathers
Full steam ahead, as we dive headfirst into the unknown.
The liberating break from this past weekend was everything I needed. And yes, that includes the 3am shots of tequila oh so generously offered me by Trav.
Possibly the most appropriate interpretation of my two-years-old-quote is the part about letting new people into your life. We found a new one, a fresh young whippersnapper ready to take DP by storm.
The amount of generosity on display and the timeless show of consideration from oh so many wonderful people sustains me and gives me the strength necessary to last another 15 days (and just 11 work days) until the next go around.
This is where you might be expecting me to bring some closure. I want to, but there is yet an opportunity, nay, a gap remaining that must be filled. That quote also mentions "letting go of some people and grudges." I can see that I've let go of some from my past given that I rarely think of them anymore. It doesn't pain me like it used to.
I hesitate because I am not one to write passive aggressively and assume another will read and feel an intended emotion. That ain't me. I write for myself and no one else.
Suffice to say, momentum is difficult to fight. I can't live for anyone else but me, and I won't allow others' insecurities or grudges to dictate the way I feel about myself.
"What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does." -- Rubeus Hagrid
